I fell asleep the night before last feeling miserable and sick to my stomach, and thinking Chinese manners will be the death of me… Perhaps a melodramatic thought, but nonetheless one that accurately expressed what I was feeling.
Let’s take a step back. I’ll share two ways key ways I’ve been acting like a 笨的老外 (stupid/clumsy foreigner) ever since I arrived in China:
First: saying thank you. I’ve committed this crime on a small scale: thanking cashiers for handing me my morning 包子（steamed buns) or the bank teller who spent an hour getting me a new card after my wallet was stolen. These “thank you”s are sins in China because 谢谢 (thank you) really means “thank you for doing this thing that you didn’t really have to do.” Appropriate uses include a cashier thanking a customer for their business, a beggar thanking a benefactor, or an old woman thanking someone for giving up their seat on the subway. That bank teller had to help me get a new card. So it turns out, it was mildly insulting for me to thank her.
I’ve also done this on a larger scale. I thanked my roommate Connie profusely after she gave two hours of her time to help me get registered with the police office. This was offensive because it implied her generosity was out of line in the context of our relationship. I unintentionally signaled that I wasn’t considering becoming close friends with her. If I had known more about Chinese manners, I would have gratefully accepted the generosity as if we were already close friends and kept my eye out for small and quiet ways to reciprocate.
Small Success: As we were going back from the police station I bought her an iced green tea because it was hot outside. This was an appropriate way to say thank you!
The second crime: going Dutch. When Connie and I went out to lunch on Tuesday, I suggested splitting the check. Oops! In Chinese culture, their implies that we’ll never eat together again. It’s a polite way of saying, “Uh…I’d rather not eat out with you again.” To say, “Yeah! This was awesome, we should do it again!” you either treat or allow the other person to treat (with an unspoken agreement that next time the other person will pay).
Small Success: I took her to dinner the night before last, and treated. Then she paid for dessert, and I enjoyed my dessert thoroughly instead of saying “thank you” (which would imply that I felt uncomfortable in our relationship).
So, it looks like I’m slowly learning Chinese manners. Then why did I fall asleep so physically and mentally uncomfortable? Because I’m going to find Chinese food and eating possibly one of the hardest things to deal with. I absolutely hate the feeling of being full and I have an extremely slow metabolism. As a result, I like to eat very small amounts of very simple foods. But food seems to be absolutely essential to social interactions here! You show appreciation for people by eating lots of their food. Connie gets distressed when I don’t eat lots of what she offers me and was thrilled last night when I finished the noodle dish she recommended to me as well as the tapioca milk tea she got me afterwards. Too bad that meal made me feel awful.
Thankfully, I’ve received two pieces of advice that’ll help me jump into navigating these issues:
1. (from my TEFL teacher, who’s been in China for ages): Don’t worry too much about following the rules, or you will really hurt someone’s feelings by not following a rule you don’t know about. Be sensitive and observant, but not too perfect–that way people will remember you’re an ignorant foreigner and be forgiving.
2. (from a TEFL classmate who’s been in China for three years): Help her (Connie) understand where you’re coming from. If she’s interested at all in other cultures she’ll want to know how you think about things.
These lessons broaden from food and manners to the ways Shenzhen is already trying to change who I am. For example, Connie loves to go shopping. She wants to go to Hong Kong with me to shop for cheap things and to the cheap shopping district in Shenzhen. I hate shopping, and I hate the side of China that it shows. I came to China to learn Mandarin so I can interact with the lowest tiers of Chinese society. Not the rich entitled Shenzhen kids in the shopping malls! Connie also goes to bed really late, which interferes in my desire to start doing Taiqi with the old folks in front of the shopping mall at 6:30am.
An interesting question: to what extent do I internalize China (the main reason I’m here!) and to what extent do I remain true to who I am?
I’ll end with one last small success: the first meal I’ve cooked in China! I made 豆腐粥 (tofu rice porridge) cooked with spring onions and garnished with peanuts, cilantro, and fresh grated ginger. Below, you can see a photo. You can also see that the green tea I bought at the grocery store yesterday expanded way more than I anticipated. Well, it was still tasty.
Lil' Ole Mo in the Big Wide World 
Does your intention to interact with the lowest tiers mean you are going to purposefully avoid other tiers of society? That seems like an incomplete way to view where you are living.
Congratulations on your first home-cooked meal! It looked very artistically garnished.
No, Adelaide (sorry that was poorly worded). I just don’t want to get so sucked into some of the aspects of a normal young person’s life in Shenzhen that I lose out on learning about the China that really fascinates methe China that’s being left behind. That China remains mostly hidden in Shenzhen, while the “high life” almost forces itself upon you.
I did go out with my roommate this evening and explored the craziest club area. I was blown away by how humans could create something so beautiful! It was definitely giving Connie (and even me, to a certain extent) the kind of “beauty and grandeur” fix that nature traditionally supplies. And it was all built LAST YEAR by humans! Fake rivers and bridges and fountains and sculptures and architecture like I’ve never seen before. And it somehow managed to feel very far away from
Also, I salsa danced twice with Connie and once with an attractive Asian man at “Salsa Club Beach Party Time”. It was slightly awkward because everyone stared at me because of my whiteness, and then noticed my sub-par dancing. I’ve never imagined salsa could look as incredible as some of those couples made it!
“Salsa Club Beach Party Time” sounds like fun. Maybe you can learn some moves and then teach the rest of us. 🙂
For what it’s worth, I think that thanking culture is really different in various parts of China. In Hong Kong, we have two ways to say “thank you,” which is confusing in it’s own way, but at least it allows you to say thank you in every situation (like the ones you listed above) but with the appropriate “level” of thanks.
One suggestion for a way to channel your instinct to say “thank you” is to replace it with a complimentary phrase, such as “you’re so kind” or “you are such a good friend!” (ni tai hao le/ni zhen shi yi ge hao peng you) because then your compliment will indicate your appreciation.
As for the food thing – I think it’d be worth trying to explain your metabolism to Connie. You could even put it as a “your-culture” thing. Say, “At home, I usually eat very simple foods in very small portions. I am not used to eating a lot at once. The food here (the food you cooked) is amazing but I just can’t eat that much in one go. I will have more later.”
Good luck! *big hug
Thank you Caro for the amazing advice! I shall implement it. And for the virtual hug!